I'm up and it's been two days and two nights and I am alert. neck hurts.

went to anal sex wkshp at ruby's pearl. the owners/educators, the flakes, called themselves freaks, and giggled a lot, to make everyone feel comfortable. I kept thinking, what would the east coast dykes do. I didn't know who would show up, there was a good crowd, fifteen or so people, couples, straight and gay, I knew about half. three are in my program. three boys. sitting, with them there, the jocks, who said hello and spent the rest of the time hidden behind educational sex books, and watching made me wish I wore my strap-on. I held one in my hand. I slapped myself with a paddle. I did it hard and made noise. I wore my leather. I made up questions. I was there to watch over, to get out of my head, I never go to these things. I was alone and I don't know what people think. I am warrior, knight-woman, I am listening and walking by myself.

N said she had to break up with L three times. I feel like I fucked in a new tribe. a tribe of women. ate their meat, fucked their women, now I'm ready to move on, for there is only one who can match me, and I have set her free. let me now wear the red beads again, to keep me strong and keep the spirit of intuition and trust and hope. I live by the river. I do not drink from the river for it is bad. I drink filtered water but I live by the river, and I hear it in the morning and at night. I hear the geese. they are flying back. the days are getting longer, just slightly, for it is still light at 5pm, and even 6pm when I get out of class it is still light. it will snow again, it is snowing now, the snow falls and the sand is in the road so that we may drive, and the sand enters the house on the soles of my feet. I leave my shoes at the door. I wear slippers on my wood floors. I wear many skins. the toys of the women are very clean, the women like clean hands, the hands of the women are very clean. see how my red fingernails look black at night. my skin, my hair, my cuticle, how about a handjob? I keep very clean. We women look at hands, hands and feet. You mustn't trip in the snow or slip in the mud. Carry your toys in a special bag on your back. Wear them under your clothes. When the phone rings, let the answering machine pick up. If someone calls and doesn't leave a message, that's their problem. Let yourself feel good. Call when it is necessary. Pick up when you know it is someone who needs you. The cat keeps the bed warm.

M called tonight. She is the same. It was difficult. She didn't want to listen. I will go there anyway, to Boston. I didn't ask her, are you trying to lose me? Do you not want me to come? Do you associate me and my family with your mother's death? It doesn't seem like you want to call me. I don't want you to feel obligated. I want to see her, if only she would give me one piece of her genuine self. A picture, a real openness in feeling. this makes me too sad to think about. She complained of how Phoebe and Max all need constant stimulation, aren't content to just be with her, be and sit and be alone, stare into her eyes. I didn't say, that is how I used to be with you, when you let me. No. She wants to be mothered, still. She wants me to take care of her, and I can no longer do that. I set her free long long ago, and she still has such a twisted part of my heart.